This is the actual e-mail I received from Mr. Lloyd Kaufman after I sent him a link to this drunken review......

"Thanks for the great review!!!

Portland is the breast!!!

Say hi to the Geno's gang! Covered in Bees is the Troma-iffic...Sarah at Genos is brilliant!

Troma Entertainment by Lloyd Kaufman, Pres"

“So, are you guys going on the art walk?”, our “Downtown Lounge” waitress asked us, as she brought me my sixth Casco Bay Riptide Red..

“Not EXACTLY, I responded as I finished my salami calzone (highly recommended), “…BUT we are going to see some art.”

“If you wanna call it that,”, Nurse Payne responded. “We’re going to see the premiere of a Troma movie.”

“What’s a Troma movie?”, the waitress asked.

And with that my friends, let me begin this very special review of not a video classic, but rather the New England Premiere of Troma’s latest cinema masterpiece, “Poultrygeist”, complete with the attendance of Troma founder, and the director, writer, and co-star of Poultrygeist, Mr. Lloyd Kaufman.

First things first. If you are unaware of what Troma movies are, than fucking pull your head out your ass, shampoo your shit stained hair, grab a beer, sit down, throw one in the DVD player, and get ready to have you balls not just kicked, but LITERALLY pounded into jelly.

Long story short, Troma, as founded by Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Hertz, has been THE source of TRUE independent, repugnant, WAAAYYY over the top, horror-comedies for over 33 years now. Low budget? Try no budget. But let me tell you something here, gentle reader. I will guaran-fuckin-TEE you, If you watch a Troma movie, though you may be disgusted, offended, or shocked, you will NEVER be bored. For more info on Troma in general, please just click here. TROMA’S OFFICIAL SITE .

Now onto our fine feature. As I said in the opening, my wife, Nurse Payne, and myself attended the New England Premiere of “Poultrygeist” at one of our two locally owned theatres, the Nickelodeon. Lloyd was there for a quick word before the picture, and a fifteen or so minute Q & A afterwards. The theatre was about 80% full, mostly filled with pierced, tattooed, leather clad miscreants such as your kind writer, and most of you fuckwads reading this. Quick note, also in attendance was the Portland band, “Covered in Bees”, whom are also featured on the soundtrack.

So as the lights went down, I wondered if this would be as wild a Troma film as Toxic Avenger, as cartoonish as Sgt Kabukiman, as vile as Street Trash. Well, from the opening scene of two young adults dry humping in the cemetery, complete with severed- corpse- finger butt-plug (yeah, read that again. I didn’t mistype it, that’s actually the opening scene) I knew I was in for QUITE the treat.

After this glimpse of teen-love, we flash forward a bit to this young couple meeting up again after a semester at college, but my, how things have changed. Seems our male lead, Arbie ( played very well by Jason Yachanin ) , came to visit the old humping grounds/cemetery, but instead found that it had been flattened to make room for the new American Chicken Bunker (read:KFC) . Yep, as in most Troma films the source of all evil is a large company, in this case a huge national chain of low quality, low priced chicken-like bites that would be willing to level an old Indian burial ground to raise up it’s latest franchise location. In case you can’t put two and two together, Troma protagonists seem to have issues with corporate America the same way Troma has issues with corporate Hollywood/theatres/video stores. More on that later.

So what does Arbie see when he returns to the scene of his lost virginity? Outside the new American Chicken Bunker, is a group of liberal protestors, led by Arbie’s EX-GIRLFRIEND and new lesbian, Wendy (Kate Graham) accompanied by her lesbo girlfriend Micki (Allyson Sereboff). In case you thought that Troma was simply liberal propaganda, fret not, for the liberal protestors are ridiculed as much as any corporation. This is even shown through the first song in this film.

Oh yeah, guess what? The friggin movie is partially a musical as well. Yep, there are about five or six musical numbers in this tit/gore/shit filled film. Fuckin’ A, bro.

Well, after having his first true love spurn him for the warm labia of her carpet munching girlfirend (with an AWESOME, titttie filled musical number) Arbie decides to do what any normal person would, he applies for a job, on the spot, at American Chicken Bunker.

It’s at this point that we get introduced to the rest of this surprisingly good (for the lack of experience) cast, the employees of the Chicken Bunker. There’s manager Denny (Joshua Olatunde) whose name will be a punch line you see coming MILES away, Paco Bell (Khalid Rivera) the gay, jerk-off happy cook, Carl Jr. (Caleb Emerson) the assistant, and Humus (Rose Ghavami) the muslim woman we see covered up, until we don’t, if ya know what I’m getting at here.

All of them work hard to open up the store with style for the arrival of the founder of American Chicken Bunker, General Lee Roy (Robin L Watkins), whom drives up in a limo, complete with full Col. Sanders attire, some smoking bitches, and a song to sway the liberal protestors picketing his new location.

With all of the pieces in place, we immediately get the action, and deaths, rolling, as the shit hit’s the fan on opening day after the spirits of the Indian burial ground pollute the chicken that is to be consumed by American Chicken Bunker‘s customers.

Speaking of shit hitting anything, I’ve gotta give some props to Mr Kaufman here. Now, I’ve seen some fucked up shit in my life on film, but MAN, the scene featuring Troma’s other founder, (billed as in this film) MEGA Herz having….digestive issues after consuming some of the possessed meat is WAY over the fuckin top. I was laughing/crying as much as when I saw a sex change operation video on Shocking Asia years ago. I’ll never be the same after this scene, either.

I’m not going to give away anymore here, as most of you haven’t even had a chance to see this wild flick yet, and believe me, you’ll see stuff you’ve NEVER seen in a film before, including things shoved up asses, coming out of other body parts, at least twenty sets of tits. You’ll also see one thing you HAVE seen before, if you’ve ever seen a Troma film, and it has to do with a certain car crash scene that Troma LOVES to “recycle”.

Besides the visually shocking nature of Poultrygeist, the script isn’t exactly for the easily offended. Besides the “vulgar language” including a few uses of “CUNT”, there’re jokes to ridicule EVERY single race, sexual orientation, and religion. Muslim, christian, jewish, black, white, Mexican, diaper-fetish jokes abound through the script. If anything, Troma is an equal opportunity offender.

The eye candy in this film is quite good, both on the gore, and tit fronts. The special effects are, as usual, pretty damned impressive considering the lack of funding, and as usual, as over the top as you’ll ever see, including a broom used in a way that makes the mind HURT to think about. And the tits? Well, as I’ve mentioned, we’ve got LOTS of tits, and we’ve got small tits, big tits, fat tits, skinny tits, you name it. It’s all good.

The acting is not just tolerable, but really good in some cases. The two leads, Wendy and Arbie, and General Lee Roy stand out, as does Lloyd Kaufman, goofy song, ASS SHOT, and all. Quick note here, I was struck throughout the film with the resemblance of Wendy to Chrissy from Class Of Nuke’Em High, at least in the face, if not the tits. Chrissy had bombs to Wendy’s lil perkies.

After the film, Lloyd took a brief Q & A session with the audience, and used the time to let us in on how we can be part of a Troma film (check their site to see the constant openings) , BUT warning what we would be in for, as a cast member of Poultrygeist was in attendance as well, and let us in on the living/working conditions on set. Hint: you better REALLY want to make a film to put up with this shit.

And that brings us to the most interesting part of the Q & A, when Lloyd went off for a bit about how he, and more importantly Troma have been flat out blackballed from Hollywood. Whether it be studios, video stores (Blockbuster), or theatres (hence the New England screening at Patriot Theatres in Portland, Maine) Troma has been shut out from ANY exposure in American film.

So why make films if they can‘t possibly profit? Lloyd paid for Poultrygiest out of his own pocket, and it’s being shown in VERY limited theatres, and Blockbuster/Best Buy won’t carry the DVD, thus it has almost NO chance of earning it’s budget back. Why does he do it?

Because he fucking LOVES making movies for the entertainment of it all. That’s why I, and the other hundred plus freaks filled into that little theatre to support his film. Because the love Lloyd feels for making his films ALWAYS translates across that screen to infect the viewer with a sense of joy (raunchy as it may end up being) and energy that few if any can match now.

If you claim to love movies, HORROR movies in particular, please make a point to watch/buy any Troma films you can. Support this damned company. Hell, Lloyd gives seminars all the time for aspiring film makers, and even hosts his own Tromadance film festival to coincide with the Sundance film festival.

Why not start by checking out the official Troma Poultrygeist site here…….. POULTRYGEIST MOVIE .

Dr. Payne

Beers consumed pre-movie = 6 Casco Bay Reds